DISCLAIMER: This post contains graphic and offensive language that is uncharacteristic of my values and personality. Please excuse it for this post’s illustrative purposes.
I don’t say curse words. I don’t say offensive things. I never insult people. I don’t talk negatively about people behind their back. I’m just a nice person. Who only says the kinds of things I would want said to me.
But that doesn’t mean I’ve never thought all the bad and cruel things possible.
I recently had a conversation with a woman I see on a regular basis at a certain place (I won’t name). It was a perfectly calm and civil conversation, but it had a passive aggressive undertone that irked me.
Women are weird. We smile and converse happily with one another. We compliment one another on our hair or new outfit, but underneath that sugary façade we are mentally destroying one another. It’s horrible, but it’s a reality, even for the nicest, most Christian woman out there. Society teaches it to us, and unfortunately, it’s a hard habit to break.
This is all preamble to how I felt while walking away from my encounter with this passive aggressive woman because the first thought that popped into my head was how much I longed to never have to speak to such a “dumb, conniving bitch” ever again.
I stopped. In shock! How could I think such a thing about a sweet woman who had never actively done anything against me or to hurt me? What kind of horrible person does it make me to even think that? But then this train of thought led me to start contemplating all things I might say to people if I didn’t have a modesty filter emanating from my values and morals.
Like that guy who took it upon himself to be the judge and executioner of my personal business, of which he only knew about because he couldn’t help snooping into personal documents: self-righteous bastard.
Or a past colleague: I’m not your fucking secretary just because I’m a woman.
Or a lying, cheating ex-boyfriend: What the hell is wrong with you? Have you always been this stupid and twisted?
Or a backstabbing ex-best friend: You’d really choose those bitches over me? When I introduced you to them?
Or even my own parents: Do you know the horrific shit you have put me through? All for what? Because you needed emotional support from a child?
And then, I felt a lot better. Odd, isn’t it? I shouldn’t feel better after thinking horrible, nasty things about people I care for or at least have compassion for. But this is where I suggest the root of my discovery lies.
We all think and feel nasty things about other people. Some of us are far more vocal about this nastiness than others leading to some embarrassingly foul mouths and sailor tongues. I’m not here to say whether cursing is right or wrong. Obviously if you’re a follower of the Bible, cursing is a big “No-No,” but then again we’re all sinners. Even if we don’t say these things out loud, we’re going to feel them sometimes. I think NOT feeling them might be worse than feeling them actually because it’s a form of repression. And if we’ve learned anything from the burgeoning sexual freedoms for women and political instability after the Civil War, it’s that repressing any feeling or right for people leads to societal and psychological backlash.
I wouldn’t say that we should all wander around mentally murdering people either. I just think that we have to find a balance between repression and moral revolt. I’m not proud of thinking or feeling that way about people, but once I’ve faced that feeling head on and understood it, it dissipates, and I realize that ignoring these feelings will only make them more volatile.
So I don’t say the nasty things I think to people. I still only think them. But I let myself think them to a level I find appropriate and feel comfortable with. Because life and people are going to make us feel nasty inside and desire to say horrific and cursing things. And it’s perfectly acceptable for us to feel that way. (Life sucks sometimes.) It’s only when we let the words and feelings control us that it becomes a problem, and that can be accomplished by speaking our feelings or keeping them in our mind. The problem is really when we lose respect for ourselves.
So respect yourself. Shake off the nasties when you feel overwhelmed by them. (But don’t repress them). And walk on, a higher being.